Thursday, 24 May 2007

Broadband from Toilet??

Yes man, what you are reading is very, very true if Google is to be truly believed. The new Google TiSP(Beta) provides in-home wireless access by connecting your commode-based TiSP wireless router to one of thousands of TiSP Access Nodes via fiber-optic cable strung through your local municipal sewage lines. TiSP stands for the Toilet Internet Service Provider. Google TiSP project is a self-installed, ad-supported online service that will be offered entirely free to any consumer with a WiFi-capable PC and a toilet connected to a local municipal sewage system. Google TiSP takes advantage of pre-existing plumbing and sewage systems and their related hydraulic data-transmission capabilities for delivering data from local networks into individual homes. Full home self-installation kit is provided to the users who sign up online for the TiSP system.

What an extremely brilliant idea. Especially for those who do their best thinking in their toilets!

These are some excerpts from the installation manual designed to help customers install TiSP in their bathrooms :

#1 Remove the spindle of fiber-optic cable from your TiSP installation kit.

#2 Attach the sinker to the loose end of the cable, take one safe step backward and drop this weighted end into your toilet.

#3 Grasp both ends of the spindle firmly while a friend or loved one flushes, thus activating the patented GFlush™ system, which sends the weighted cable surfing through the plumbing system to one of the thousands of TiSP Access Nodes.

#4 When the GFlush is complete, the spindle will (or at least should) have largely unraveled, exposing a connector at the remaining end. Detach the cable from the spindle, taking care not to allow the cable to slip into the toilet.

#5 Plug the fiber-optic cable into your TiSP wireless router, which has a specially designed counterweight to withstand the centripetal force of flushing.

#6 Insert the TiSP installation CD and run the setup utility to install the Google Toolbar (required) and the rest of the TiSP software, which will automatically configure your computer's network settings.

#7 Within sixty minutes -- assuming proper data flow -- the other end of your fiber-optic cable should have reached the nearest TiSP Access Node, where our Plumbing Hardware Dispatchers (PHDs) will remove the sinker and plug the line into our global data networking system.

#8 Congratulations, you're online! (Please wash your hands before surfing.)

They even have some more offers for you. They go something like this :

Professional Installation Service
You can also choose to request our professional installation service, which dispatches an army of factory-trained, sub-contracted nanobots from the TiSP Access Node. The nanobots travel with exhilarating nano-speed through the sewer system and into your home to perform the installation service, which should be complete within 15 minutes. Note: For your own physical safety and emotional well-being and in consideration of the nanobots' working conditions, please make absolutely certain that your toilet is unoccupied at the scheduled appointment time.

In-Commode Package Delivery
With professional installation service, you can also have your Google Checkout purchases delivered directly through the sewage network into your bathroom. Each package comes pre-sealed in a watertight and nanobot-resistant bag made of biodegradable corn-based plastic. For a limited time, TiSP subscribers who sign up for a Checkout account will receive free bathroom delivery on their first ten Checkout purchases.

And if all this wasn't enough, there is some more in the FAQ section :

How can Google offer this service for free?
We believe that all users deserve free, fast and sanitary online access. To offset the cost of providing the TiSP service, we use information gathered by discreet DNA sequencing of your personal bodily output to display online ads that are contextually relevant to your culinary preferences, current health status and likelihood of developing particular medical conditions going forward. Google also offers premium levels of service for a monthly fee (see below).
Note: We take your privacy very seriously. So we treat all TiSP users' waste-related personal information with tremendous discretion, in accordance with our Privacy Policy.

Is this offering a tiered service? How does Google's position on Net Neutrality effect TiSP?
Although we understand that there's a lot of crap on the web, we also believe strongly in providing equal opportunity access to all our users. While we won't limit your surfing choices, we do offer three levels of TiSP service:


The #2

Royal Flush

Download speed (max)

8 Mbps
(10X basic DSL)

16 Mbps
(20X basic DSL)

32 Mbps
(40X basic DSL)

Upload speed (max)

2 Mbps

4 Mbps

8 Mbps





Actual speeds will vary, depending on network traffic and sewer line conditions. Users with low-flow toilets may simultaneously experience a saving-the-environment glow and slower-data-speed blues.

Is Google TiSP safe and reliable?
Google TiSP ensures reliable throughput through the power of fiber, which has been proven through extensive research to effectively facilitate consistent data flow with minimal latency. And you can rest assured that under no circumstances will the TiSP system ever expose your privates.

What are the system requirements?

· Windows XP/Vista (Mac and Linux support coming soon)

· Internet Explorer 6.0+ or Firefox 1.5+ with the Google Toolbar

· Round-front or elongated toilet providing at least 1.0 gallons per flush

· Use of automatic toilet bowl cleaners is not recommended

To view the official website you can click here. I guess I will be applying for it the moment it is launched in India.

PS: This shitty PS is only for the stupid guys out there who think that Google got the better of me.


Shruti said...

Hi Animesh, Ya i read this before, i think at the time of April fool , someone has written abt it in his blog that google going to launch this and also the hard copies of ur mails will be delivered to you free of cost..

Sometime, its really funny to know all abt this..

neelakantankk said...

The google paper one was more believeable.

Suki said...

LOL! Don't we all just LOVE Google's sense of humour? :D

oh, and PLEASE do us all a favour and delete that previous comment. It's an eyesore on the comment page, at least.

Pallab said...

To be honest, May 24 is kind of late to be blogging about April Fools Day jokes.
Also delete the spam comments man.
And here are my fav jokes from this yr :

Animesh Ray said...

Haha... I know but that's the time when I started blogging... April 1 means that I still giving my boards.


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