A President for India

It's time that Kalam steps down and a new person steps up for the post of President of India. And it's really sorry to see the present nominees for the post.


"We need a good President this time." said the Congress supremo Sonia Gandhi.
"Yes, of course Madame." said her humble servant Shivraj Patil.
"Not a person who thinks."
"Of course, Madame."
"What is the head for?", asked Sonia Gandhi earnestly.
"For scratching madame."
"Right. You will make a good President. At least you won't take time thinking before signing, when important bills are sent to you."

At that moment the Left Party representative got up, and in the most earnest voice possible (by his standards) said before the assembled audience, "This is absolutely not possible. How can we accept a person who believes in Sai Baba as the President of India? It's against the great secular fabric of the nation."

Sonia Gandhi eyed the representative apprehensively for a moment and then turned to her secretary, "Those are our allies right."
"Err...yes madame."
Then she turned her gaze to a portly and bald fellow sitting in the far corner. "Ah, you can be a good President too. You belong to the enlightened group of non-thinking individuals and you are pretty much powerless too, plus you would surely be acceptable to the Left parties."

"Aye", nodded the Left Party representative approvingly.

"But madame we need Pranab Mukherjee in the Cabinet. His prowess in securing extremely profitable deals is known far and wide. His absence would be a great loss", remarked her secretary anxiously.

"A loss for the nation?"
"Terrible loss for the party madame."
"Ah, then it's terrible I guess."
"Absolutely madame"

"It seems that we have a shortage of Presidential matter", declared Sonia Gandhi most gravely.

"Aye", nodded the Left Party representative approvingly.

Suddenly the secretary (who was, by the way, her political adviser as well) leapt up in the air and exclaimed, "But of course we have the esteemed Mrs. Pratibha Patil. Silly me, I actually forgot."

"Who's that?", asked Sonia Gandhi in total surprise.
"Nobody, but perfect for being President."
"What does she do?"
"Nothing"
"No I meant apart from that what does she do."
"Oh. Well when last seen or heard she was the ...err...well...ah yes, the Governor of Nagaland."
"I thought she was the Governor of Rajasthan", said a concerned onlooker.
"Whatever."

"Hmmm. What was the name?", asked Sonia Gandhi with a unmistakeable glow in her eyes.
"Pratibha Patil."
"Pratibha Patel?"
"Oh no, it's Patil with an 'i' ".
"I see".

"Can I see her now?"
"Of course madame. I had her specially called in", added her secretary and then in a hoarse voice called out, "Mrs. Patillllll...".

There was no answer. He called again. Still no answer. Now he went out of the room to see what's the matter.

Back inside the room Sonia Gandhi was biting her lips in thankful anticipation. A little later her secretary entered with the sudden Presidential candidate Mrs. Pratibha Patil.

"What took you so long?"
"Last minute jitters. Was in the toilet. You can surely understand the situation, madame", replied her secretary speaking on behalf of the speechless Presidential candidate.
"Surely I understand. That's why I am not the Prime Minister of Italy....errr...I mean India."

"Aye", nodded the Left Party representative approvingly.

"Being in the toilet shows that you can be a perfect President. Do you speak?", asked a smiling Sonia Gandhi.
"Err...actuallyyy...ee...well...I mean...errr", said the Presidential hopeful.
"Good! Do you think?"
"Err...pardon...err....err"
"Very good indeed! Have you ever done anything good for this country?"
"Good things? err...MLA...err....MP too."
"Excellent! People who have done something good for their country always make dangerous Presidents", Sonia Gandhi affirmed firmly.

"Aye", nodded the Left Party representative approvingly.

"So ladies and gentlemen I am glad to announce that at long last we have found our President. But before proggressing...". At this moment Mrs. Gandhi's speech was stopped by a sudden exclamation from the BSP supremo Miss Mayawati.

"We won't support her", declared Mayawati.
"Why so?", asked a worried Sonia Gandhi.
"Because I am still stuck in corridors."

Seeing the lost look on the Congress supremo's face her secretary whispered into her ear, "She is referring to the corridor case."
"Which corridor?"
"The Taj Corridor."
At this information she turned a bright red and whispered furiously into her secretary's ear, "What is she more concerned about? Corridors of the Taj or the corridors of Rashtrapati Bhavan?"
"But madame that is actually a corruption case. And to her disappointment it is being investigated by the CBI."
"Doesn't the CBI have better things to do? And what is Funmohan doing?"
"Funny things."
"Such as..."
"Trying to build roads and increasing the economic developement rate."
"Well ask him to transfer his attention to this problem and remove the CBI from this case. Make those guys investigate Godhra again."
"You are sooo clever madame."

"So Miss Mayawati I hope that you will support our candidate now as there will be no CBI to bother you."
"Of course. You are indeed sooo good", said a beaming Mayawati.

"But we still don't support", said the Shiv Sena representative.
"But sir", whispered his aide, "She is a marathi and a hindu too."
"OK. We support."
"Good...", said a relieved Mrs. Gandhi.

"At least everybody present here will agree that we most certainly don't want another Kalam as the President. The President should always give his attention to Dalits, Muslims, Christians, SCs, STs, OBCs etc. and not towards children", said a confident Congress head.
"Absolutely right madame", added her secretary earnestly.
"Aye", nodded the Left Party representative approvingly.
Mrs. Gandhi continued, "They give you votes. But do children give votes? Never."
"Aye".

"So before leaving the meeting, a cheers for the new President of India. Hip Hip Hurray!!"
"Aye, Aye".